Neocities.org

New diary entry again today. Hoping I can squeeze one more in after this so my final Spring post isn't depressing as hell. Alternate title: (long, drawn-out groan of frustration)

oh kiley... i hope that writing out your feelings brought you some catharsis. it's only natural to want relief from all the pain you've been in for so long. do you think you could forgive yourself for being in this rut if you acknowledged the fact that you've been beating yourself up *over & over* for YEARS? it's a habit at this point, ofc it's hard to stop! but with effort (which you're putting in, i know) and time

you'll be able to move forward into the happy future that's waiting for you. i wish i could say something profound that would make you finally see you are a good person, that your existence is valuable, that your efforts pay off, and that everyone deserves the chance to grow beyond who they were as a teenager, but i'm not sure the right words even exist. all i can do is commend you for trying as hard as you are,

and for holding onto hope even when things are so painful. i know that you can make it <3 you're already on your way. ...sorry for writing so much, heh;; your entry really moved me, is all. i couldn't pass by without cheering you on

Aww Kiley, I'm sending you my love! It's so hard getting trapped in these cycles where you ruminate over and over again, because it easily snowball into something out of your control. We can punish ourselves in ways that we would never want to see our loved ones do... which, easier said than done, is something I try to remind myself. You're worthy enough to cherish yourself as you do with others!

Anxiety, or that dark voice inside, really seeks to destroy the things the things we care about the most. You trying your best to resist it shows your hard work and growth in the present. Ahhh I don't wanna ramble or overstep too much, but please take care!! ♡♡ ; __ ;

I hope I'm not out of line here socially since I'm just a NeoCities mutual, but you aren't your past. You don't "deserve" anything based on mistakes you made as a teenager. Shame isn't useful when you're just bullying yourself in your head over and over again. You don't have to prove your worth to the world; you have it inherently as a human being. I hope you can see yourself the way others see you one day ♡

@flonne i truly, truly appreciate your kind words. i'm at a loss for words from your kindness, and i hope that at the very least my reply can assure you i appreciate them deeply ;__;

@sarah don't worry, you didn't overstep at all! ;__; i'll do my best to keep pushing forward, i really do appreciate what you've said here– i'd never want to see my loved ones treat themselves the way i treat myself. i hope that i can take that on board a lot more in these coming months. thank you, truly

@amy, don't worry, i don't consider it overstepping. i really do appreciate what you've said here, and i want to take it to heart as much as i can. like flonne said, it's a habit that's gonna take a lot to break since i've been pushing this mindset for many years now... thank you very, very much for reaching out to me and saying this, i appreciate it a ton ;__;

@kiley of course, and glad to hear that! ♡ Your diary entry was timely for me in the since that just last week I was dwelling on my behavior as a teen as well... affirmations like "I did my best with the knowledge" I had are useful for me, so maybe they'll help as you well! You deserve peace of mind! ♡♡