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ok well this is awkward I couldn't tell my mom because she remembered (at the last possible moment) she had theater entrances for a play that was going to be at night, when I was going to tell her while walking the dog... Guess I'll try again today? Also I might make a big blogpost about this whole throat thing I'm kinda divided surprisingly
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I'll tell you guys how the talk with my mom goes when I tell her in a bit but for now; I actually hate myself SO MUCH I was on omegle today playing guitar and idk what it was if the lighting or smth but in my throat you could VERY clearly make out a bulge and I got off as soon as I noticed, the way I make voices now has changed, like I input the same things but they go different places it's weird and I hate it
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ok guys it's fine, I'm a bit better now. I think I'm going to ask my mom about getting hrt as soon as tomorrow, I don't know if its her day off because she's got a very volatile schedule but I'll try to find a moment. I can't let this unwanted puberty develop any further and I'm done ignoring it because if I don't do something now in a week or two I'll have a beard and suicidal thoughts.
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I'm sorry for the doomposting but I'm just really frustrated by how slow things are going and the fact that I can't speed them up. I wanted to come out before summer because I knew puberty would fuck me over eventually and it stings to have known about this for ages and still suffer from it. This IS leichpfand's purpouse after all ig, venting aimlessly.
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I can't wait (as in, I physically cannot wait any longer) to get the gender psychologist person, I'm so fucking fed up with myself I can't keep it together much longer if this rotten streak of days keeps on going and getting even worse. Problem is that I don't think they can speed themselves up, everything is booked and they can't really force me into someone else's schedule,
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leichpfand
5 months ago
I *could* try to get an hrt recipee before even meeting the psychologist but I don't know if that'd go over well with my dad. And I need it NOW I needed it YESTERDAY, if my voice keeps getting deeper on its own and fucking up my progress I'm gonna end up under a bridge somewhere I can't take much more of my throat's shit
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leichpfand
5 months ago
singing german songs in my best possible girl voice is how I got to my peak but now I can't seem to even get started with them, I slip up, I miss notes, I sound so out of tone and just bad I can't stand doing it because it pushes me further down. Not only that but my voice isn't as smooth as it was either it vibrates so much now it's like a guitar who's frets were never filed in 50 years I hate it so much
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leichpfand
5 months ago
This will follow me to the grave or at least until I get hrt and can start being my own person. It is such a shit thought and yet I can't keep it from surfacing every now and then. I can't wait to be myself but it seems even farther away with every fucking day that goes by with squat being done about it...
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I hate this, why is Chick corea the only thing that isn't syncing onto my ipod... Like it took Femtanyl just fine but it decided that it didn't like jazz or something because it just wont sync that specific album :(
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leichpfand
5 months ago
A bit early on the christmas decor but the streets started putting up light in october so it's not JUST my fault
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ok so ich weiß, dass ich habe nichts über die outift seite gemacht, aber! ich wird, einen tag, etwas machen! (trust) ((dies ist nur ein test für meine Deutsche skillz)) (((ich wird nimmer die seite anfangen)))
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also I've heard people in my city are capable of getting hrt over the counter without recipee for 8€... THIS THING THAT JUST HAPPENED THAT COULD'VE BEEN AVOIDED WILL NOW BE WITH ME UNTIL I GET AN EXPENSIVE SURGERY! I love my decision making and research skills so much I'm going to throw a party in their honour
if the talk doesn't go well I at least now know I can do it behind their backs, not like I want to but if things keep moving this fucking slow while my body prepares the coup de grace or whatever the fuck I might just have to, even if she agrees, I will curl up into a ball and die if another permanent unwanted change hits my very much finite existence