Neocities.org

great idea

Seems like after awhile all the "first times" get locked behind long grinds -- "first times" are "successive" in a way, a trail of continuity -- and it's hard to see if they even exist anymore, or if they're worth the effort, and if it's too late anyway. When you find a "successive" path, maybe it makes an opposing vortex against the infinite. One could hope all scattered dots connect and unlock such paths, maybe

@siqu Normally I don't think it matters all that much and I can just focus on whatever I've been working on lately, but sometimes looking at my life as a whole, I get sad about "first times" that have been lost, even if like you said they're not really worth the effort anymore. There's so many!

for some reason i made a weird custom twitter-type thing where only i can post

i've resisted the urge to do something like this for years

w.r.t. changing others, it's inevitable so may as well embrace it. Depending on how you influence others, they may enjoy the changes and thank you for it. Reading some of your essays contributed to writing again for some sanity, so thank you (´･ω･`) Weird how writing can be both an exercise in pointlessness but also the spark to change for the better

I think it's easier to influence people positively when we're just interacting over the internet. E.g. if you like my writing you can keep reading it, and if you dislike it (or just find an individual piece boring) it's easy to forget about it. But with real life relationships, the good often has to be taken with the bad, so I feel a little sad seeing my bad habits (i.e. anti-socialness) infect someone else

Writing is nice, because whenever I sit down to write (or to read something you or someone else wrote) anything can happen. There's always the potential to think new thoughts or to become a new person for a few moments, as long as we can stay out of depressive spirals.

I think in many ways, nostalgia is just a constant cycle. I used to think I felt nostalgic for a year or two ago, that I was happier then, till a week or two ago when I read my diary & thought things sounded "simpler" & "happier" only a few months ago, when that is not the case. I'm just as happy now as I was then, even if it's a lack of happiness. This is to say that I think nostalgia is largely illusory.

I make it a point to remind myself that the times I am living right now will eventually be nostalgic for me, and rather than nostalgia being a narrowing, burdensome thing that puts me into some sort of narrative, it’s instead cause for me to live as well as I can, right now. Hope your feelings ease up soon, maybe not happiness per se, but that your necessary sadnesses and miseries become easier to bear.